Judge Ye Not

For those that don't know, I am recently engaged to a beautifully wonderful woman that I am privileged to even know, much less marry. Our story is a little strange and many would say they don't really agree with some of our decisions. Sufficeth to say our courtship was fast and unexpected, and some have given us flack for this. With the convenience of Facebook we have been able to inform others of the changes we have had to make to our wedding (Dates, plans, ect) in mass quantity. With just one message we were able to tell hundreds of people that we moved our wedding date up.

Just a few hours after doing so one of the people who disagreed with us "Rushing into marriage" posted an ambiguous message on there status. She stated that she didn't understand why people rush into marriage and the conversation that followed was more confirmation to her statement.

When I read this it did not make me upset. In fact, it made me sad for all those that participated and sad for those that think the same as they. How can anyone know the exact situation of another? It matters not how similare a situation you may have been through or how many people have told you the same story. There is literally no way to know another's situation fully. So does that mean you can not have an opinion? Of course not! It is every person's right to have an opinion. The problem comes with those who think their way of the thinking is the ONLY right path.

Looking at my situation, it is interesting to really look at the big picture. When you hear people talk about how they would never rush into marriage it comes from 2 different types of people: Those who have had a similar experience and it crushed them, and those that have never been in the situation at all. Since the latter has no clue of what they speak it is unfair for them to speak as if they know and unwise for anyone to take their advice.

The first, however, has a place to give a word of caution. Their is nothing wrong with this either. They are only at fault when they force their opinion or try to get the other to change. In fact, I have been in this exact situation. Before I met my current fiance I was engaged to another woman that left me very harshly and broke my heart and dreams for a period. This experience hurt me deeply and I even said to myself that I would not rush into a marriage again. I remember even counseling others to not rush into it as well, but I always made sure not to be forceful and just give my opinion and love the other no mater what they chose.

It was just over a year and a half after that that I was in a similar situation again with my current fiance. I found myself falling for this wonderful woman far faster then anyone since my Ex and I couldn't be happier. Sometimes I wonder if i would have denied myself the pleasure and beautiful future with her if I would have said "No, we have to date at least 6 months!" I do not regret my decision and can guarantee you I never will.

Now, lets take a look at the third party that everyone seems to forget, or choose not to see. Along with those that have had a hurtful experience and those that have no clue of what they speak there is also the group of couples that have "Rushed into marriage" and are happily married to this day. Why do we choose to ignore this group? Do we believe they don't exist or refuse to admit that others could actually be happy in this situation? Indeed it is the natural human reaction to just see the negative and overlook the positive. In fact, many who read this will likely say "Sure, but those are the exception" Well to those I have 2 things to say...

1) Maybe you should widen your gaze. It is likely that those you talk to have been in the 'Hurt' catigory I spoke of early because they were not smart about the situation and was focused on the wrong things. If you look around at others who are happily married you will find that many were rather quick engagements. As stated in an eHow article:

The success of any of these marriages relies on the people involved in the relationship. Basic elements remain fundamental to marriage regardless of the length of time spent dating prior to that union.Read more: How Long Do People Usually Date Before They Get Married? | eHow.com http://www.ehow.com/about_5376907_long-usually-date-before-married.html#ixzz1KZIooTMO

2) How dare you look down on another for being happy! It is this exact view point that henders you from having something as beautiful as this! My dear friends, be happy and stop being so pessimistic! No one likes a "Downer"

Overall, I just wish to get everyone to realize that you can not know another's situation perfectly and thus should and can not assume you know better then they. Their is only one that can fully understand, and I guarantee you he will not tell you if someone else is doing it wrong.

A Better Outlook: But how do I do it?

Sorry it has taken so long to post something. I have recently got engaged and if any of you are married you know how much time that sucks from you, and on top of that I have an art show coming up! Things have (needless to say) time consuming!

Because of all these things that have been happening I have been thinking more and more about how our attitude effects the outcome of our lives. Really, not just our lives but also the projects we work on. Be it our work at our jobs or the everyday interactions with our family and/or friends, it is all effected by our attitude. If we call someone that frequently upsets us expecting to get frustrated at them I can guarantee you will.

Not too long ago I talked with my soon to be in-law about just this topic and he said the same thought. "Whatever you search for, you will find." This statement is so true in every aspect of our lives. Many people laugh at the idea of 'positive thinking' but I'd bet you all those people have not tried it.

By no means am I saying that changing your outlook will make your 'life better', but I can say that it will be more bearable. Your hardships and struggles will still be there and will not just magically disappear. They will, however, be magically lighter, magically easier, and you will magically smile just a tad more.

Many may read this and think

I would love to have that outlook, but how do I do it?

This is actually a fantastic question and one that I have struggled with many times in my life. Unfortunately, I do not have a direct answer. the simple fact of the matter is that every single person decides how they will learn this lesson. Since every individual has their own way of learning it is imposable to have one universal answer. Their is, However, some advice that can be given:

• Fake it 'till you make it - This is the concept that you act like the person you wont to be (or do the things you want to develop) even if it means it is uncomfortable for you. You 'fake' being the person you want to be until that is the person you become.I used to be greatly opposed to this concept. I did not like the idea of acting like someone else and not truly being yourself. I felt that if I "Faked" the way I was then I would be lying to everyone.
  The truth is that you are not actually lying about anything. It is not lying if that is the person you want to be. It may not be easy to do this and many may even call you out on it, but if you stick with it you will naturally take on those attributes you want. Then the next thing you know you don't even have to think about it anymore. So if that means just forcing a smile when talking to someone that frustrates you, then your are on the right path.
  

• Surround yourself with what you want to become - This seems like an easy enough ans simple concept, but trust me, its not. This is one of those things that you really have to be dedicated to in order to work. This entails cutting yourself off from the people and friends that are not acting the way you would like to be. Unfortunately, the people you surround yourself with DO influence who you are as a person.Please understand that I do not mean you should burn the bridges of those you care about. What I am saying is you must weigh if them bringing you down is worth risking your happiness. I have done this before without making either party angry. In fact if they are true friends then they should understand that you are not comfortable in the situation and should respect you for what you choose. Sure, you may get a little hazing, but trust me, this hazing is a small price for happiness. 

Just try to remember that your life is up to YOU and it is only YOU who can determine how it will end up.

People Do Change

I have been reflecting on my life lately, both on what my life is now and what it used to be, and it has lead me to see how I have changed in a relatively short amount of time. This time last year I was mourning over a lost love and just trying to make it through the days. I was faking and lying to myself to try and feel better.

Now, I am the happiest I have been in a very very long time. I have come to the realization that the "Love" I lost previously was an amazing learning experience and was a blessing she left. I have an amazing girl now that understands who I am and loves me for it, and most importantly I am happy with where I am.

In previous years if I ever felt happy and content I always had the thought in the back of my mind saying "Nothing good really lasts. So be prepared for the fall." And while I do understand that you can't be on "Cloud 9" forever, I have realized that you really shouldn't look at the world like that.

The truth is that good things do last. It is us, as imperfect humans, that choose to see the hard times over the good. Because, honestly, it is much easier to see the hard times over any good time, but what I have discovered is that we are not simply pieces of debris floating down the river of life. We have great influence of the direction our life can take and how it will effect us.

Just as I mentioned in a past post, We choose to be happy everyday.

I Make the Choice Everyday

I was recently told something that really showed me how we should view the important things in our lives. The things in our lives that are the most important to us are not choices that are made simply one time in our lives, but they are many and frequent.

Many people are scared that they may make a 'Wrong Choice' in their life that will lead them to a disastrous outcome. The most common being "Will I (or Have I already) choose the right person for me to marry? Or will I regret it in the future?"

While it is very important that you find someone that is right for you and understands you I think it is even more important that we remember that loving someone is not just a choice we make once in our lives. Every single day that we live we get to make the choice to fall in love again. We choose our own thoughts, we choose our own deeds, and we choose weather we are going to be happy or not. Stop focusing on past choices and realize that you have those SAME choices today.

When I was told this it was in reference to a relationship, but I hope everyone can realize that it expands much farther then that. The choice to be happy is everyday, and I don't just mean the "I am going to be happy today" choice. I also am referring to the joys of just sitting down and looking at what you already have.

What price is paid for your children? Can anyone REALLY ever replace the joy you feel in them? What about your spouse or loved one? How dare you resist love from the one who truly knows you! How about the simple fact that you are here, now, and have the choice to choose!

I am going through a transition right now that is being scrutinized by those watching and ridiculed by some who would disagree. These feelings and oppositions are naturally weighing me down, but the beauty of it all comes down to this simple phrase.

I make the choice everyday.

I make the choice when I wake up. I make it when I go to school. I make it when I return. I make it as I spent the day with my wonderful girl. And I make it as I lay my head down at night. My life is my choice and my happiness is determined by the choices I make EVERYDAY, not just the significant ones.

So let not those that oppose you choose how to live your life. Make the choice yourself and be content with it. It is the only way to happiness.